How to ask for what you need, and how to receive

Asking for what we need seems pretty straight forward right? Well, you wouldn’t imagine how many times we sabotage ourselves from getting our needs met by asking in the wrong ways.

It is critical that we pay detailed attention to our needs and how we are communicating them.

Are we setting ourselves up for success in receiving the things we are asking for?

HERE ARE 3 ESSENTIAL STEPS:

1. Know What Your Needs Are

   It’s so common to continue in the busy flow of life feeling anxious, depressed, stressed out, and we just accept these states as normal. We often don’t take the time to simply stop and ask ourselves, “Why am I feeling this way, and what do I need?” It is our responsibility to first know exactly what our needs are. Without this information, it’s easy to get upset and communicate with frustration, instead of being grounded and clear.

   THE GOLDEN RULE: IF I HAVEN’T TAKEN THE TIME TO TRULY FIND OUT WHAT I NEED, I’M NOT READY TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS ABOUT IT.

2. Make sure you are asking with authenticity, clarity, and solutions at hand.
   
   Be authentic and vulnerable while communicating. At times our on internal dialogues and doubts of our needs being met will contribute to unhealthy ways of communications. Here is an example of an unhealthy way of asking.
   
   Say you were in need of some extra attention and affection from your partner. Because you are insecure that he will not meet your needs, you approach him with sass and say, “You don’t even pay attention to me when you get home from work. You need to make time for this if you care about our marriage.”
   
   With this example we would be criticizing, doubting, threatening, and not being very mindful or inviting. This often cultivates more distance, overwhelms, and pushes away the people we are asking for support.

   Here’s a healthier way of communicating the same need:
   ”Hey love, I am feeling really lonely lately and I’d love to spend some quality time with you tonight. Can you cuddle with me after the kids go to bed? It would mean a lot to me.”
   
   In is example, you are communicating vulnerably, clearly and with a solution to offer. This helps people feel invited and desired, respected, and fully capable of meeting your needs.

   Whether in relationship or at work, using mindful clear communication can make all the difference!
   

3. See Others through the lens of good intent.

   It is critical that we see that others are doing their best and that they have good intent. If you’re already assuming someone doesn’t care about your needs, even when they offer to meet them, you likely won’t trust their efforts. This leaves you feeling closed off and them feeling confused at why that didn’t fulfill your need. However, when we let go of our tensions and see the people we are communicating with through a lens of good intent, it allows us to receive them well when they meet our need. This allows us to feel cared for and relaxed. And they often feel proud, connected, and motivated to continue being their for you.

And what if I communicate my needs perfectly and someone can’t meet them?

If you are truly seeing others through the lens of good intent, you will see that they are doing their best. Others will not always be able to meet our needs. When this happens, we can appreciate their honesty, forgive them, and begin to cultivate other was of meeting that need.

So referring back to the example above:

If we are needing extra attention from our partner, yet they are exhausted from work and need some rest, we can understand, see they are doing their best, and find other way to meet our need. Maybe you can put on your favorite show and eat some of your favorite snack. Perhaps inviting a girlfriend over to chat and laugh would help.

WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING OWNERSHIP OVER OUR EMOTIONS, OUR COMMUNICATION, AND OUR LIVES.

If you want to learn more about healthy ways of living Join our free Wednesday Women’s Circle!